Blog 23 – Stalled recovery

Blog 23 – Stalled recovery

I think, perhaps more so, I feel, that this should be an uplifting, celebratory blog. I finished treatment, I’m not on medication, I haven’t got cancer, I’m doing a phased return to work, We’ve got a holiday booked for March and August and there are lots of other things booked or planned for the year.

Except that’s not how it is for me just now. “You’ve been through a lot”. I know, I’ve been through it and now I’m not going through it, so I want to be well. “That’s what you should expect”. No it isn’t. It might be how it is, but I expect more.

What’s wrong isn’t so terrible. What’s strangely wrong is that I’m complaining and depressed now when I was so positive through the bad times; after I knew that I had cancer and during the treatment and all its real misery.

So what’s wrong?

I want to be well.

There’s still some soreness in the head, neck, ear and throat. But that’s ok, it doesn’t need medication and is improving all of the time.

There’s restricted movement in the neck and throat. Apparently that could increase over time as the scar tissue continues to form and then afterwards when it starts to shrink. But that’s ok, physiotherapy exercises can help maintain and increase movement.

The saliva glands often stop working leaving a very dry mouth during the day and a very, very dry throat during the night. So carry a bottle of water everywhere.

The taste buds aren’t back to normal. For example, I don’t enjoy coffee any more and I can’t drink red wine. This together with the saliva problem, which means I can’t eat peanut butter or bread or cake or cheese; and the absence of teeth, which means I can’t eat crispy bacon or chew gum; means I don’t enjoy eating: And so I’m not putting on weight. It’ll be May when work begins to get false teeth.

The shoulder is now permanently sore, the soreness you get with stiffness after too much exercise or sawing oak beams with a handsaw. I don’t think this will improve. I hope to get so used to it that I stop noticing.

There’s restricted movement in my arm. Not as bad as I thought there might be. Although it will get worse over the next year. I’m not sure what the implications of this are. It’s not stopping golf, but I haven’t tried swimming yet (apart from anything, my trunks no longer fit, and the last time I swam with loose shorts they came off when I dived in to the pool). I’ve got physiotherapy exercises to counteract this.

And here’s what’s wrong. I’ve lost my motivation to do the exercises.

I want to be fit.

Three weeks ago I got some motivation and got on my bike. I quickly saw some improvement but then my motivation disappeared.

Three weeks ago I set up the wii fit but the batteries were flat and my motivation disappeared.

After a few tries, I did manage a full round of golf on Sunday, which was a great boost. So there is some light.

I want to be healthy

In the run up to treatment, I changed my diet and added supplements. This resulted in cleaner healthier skin, no dandruff, no athlete’s foot and increased well-being both mentally and physically. Now that my diet is poor things are deteriorating.

I did half a day’s work last Monday. My brain barely worked. It took ages to do the simplest of things – like working out my remaining holiday entitlement. And completely failed to do ordinary stuff, like booking a meeting.

What’s wrong?

I expect more of myself. I don’t want to take it easy. I want to tackle the things that I can and want to do, not avoid the things that I can’t or don’t want to do. These two might seem to be the same thing but the first is motivating and second is depressing. At the moment, I’m thinking the second. But I want to be the first.

Sorry about the rant.

Frank